Friday, June 23, 2006

Sunday drives, lawnmowing and other meanderings

I don't really like Sunday know, the aimless, lets just wander around and see what we can see kind of drives....I need a direction...a destination...a clearly defined route between point A and point B. I always take the Interstate when I travel so that I have more time at my detours....well, only if a detour is planned...then I'm OK with that...:)

I like deadlines...I like due dates... I need to finish things....goals and accomplishments are important to me. Bill paying and balancing the checkbook are, if not pleasurable, at least satisfying...(unless there isn't enough to go around...:))

I like to cut the grass...I can clearly see where I have been and where I am going....and when its all done, I can look over my handiwork and be satisfied in a job well done....there is nothing I enjoy more than looking over my lawn and seeing everything neat and trimmed, blooming and beautiful.

Now I realize that all of this can be taken to the extreme...and believe me, I have been there...obsessively, compulsively cleaning my house or critiqueing my work. Staying up into the wee hours just to finish some self imposed project deadline....I can be a very hard taskmaster....yet when something important to me is finished I feel a real sense of completion...a deep satisfaction. It is just the way I am made...the way God has hardwired me so to speak.

Unfortuanately I also like real, I don't do superficial very well although I have learned to make "small talk" over the years...:)
....I like to feel as if my life matters, that the things I say and do change things somehow, for someone, for the that unique to me? I don't think's why so many of us blog...:)
But it is more important to some than others, hence the reasons people chose to work in healthcare or volunteer. I find a deep sense of fulfillment in making a difference somehow..... My life in the church has always been where I felt I really mattered, other than to my husband and in raising my children, of course. The church has always been the place in this world that I could make a difference. I am experienced, I've been a believer for years...I have seen absolutely everything in the church and I have seen God...I know Him....therefore I have found great satisfaction in sharing my faith and my experience. In some way, I suppose I think I'm aiding God....:) funny huh?

So this is what makes me uncomfortable in the position I currently find myself....a new empty no children to oversee with their many household runs very smoothly with few messes to clean up and few scheduling conflicts. I tolerate an unsatisfying and boring job with no deadlines, projects, things to take ownership of or anyone to although I make decent money, I feel pretty useless and unfulfilled there and worst of all, I have virtually no church life. My situation is such that I cannot simply "find" a local church, its not that easy for me, so....I have few outlets for sharing my faith or sharing the Lord with other believers, which is the core of my life, so all this is adding up to pretty frustrating.

Basically...I have no purpose and no direction with very little satisfaction or fulfillment and this is driving me nuts!!
Per my personality, I'm sure you can understand...
I am asking the Lord for direction, so far He's not answering... LOL...
any kind is fine...a new job?... hey, I'm game and I'm looking.
A new group of Christians to fellowship with?...sad to say it takes so long to build relationships that I don't forsee this one happening quickly by maybe He'll surprise me....
Some big new project?....I'm up for that as long as I know its Him and not me, and that there is a purpose that has some real benefit to it....
For now, I'm drifitng...I'm willing to go in any direction...really, I am...but for now the current is just floating me along aimlessly....

I don't like to waste time.....I need to see things happening.....things getting done.....making a difference somewhere or to someone, a point to it all....
I don't drift very well....

I've heard that patience is a virtue...:) so I'm trying.... I need all the virtues I can get :)
Pray for me...



suburban mom said...

There is so much value in you. It's good that you are searching.

Ame said...

I love this ... in a tender way. I'm so opposite you ... I like the side roads ... to wander through life ... looking at all the tiny flowers and drops of rain ... I like "piddling" around ... doing a little bit of this and a little bit of that. I hate deadlines and cutting the grass :) Both stress me out ... big time ... I could even loose sleep over stressing over them. I love an aimless stroll in the park.

I'm at a place where I have to be more disciplined ... my house is for sale, so I have to keep it perfect all the time ... very stressful for me ... I like a clean house, it's just stressful to keep it that way ... deadlines ... don't like them. REALLY don't like them ... hyperventillating don't like them :)

I'm very artistic and creative and flowing :)

I drive personalities like you NUTS!!! But I need you, too! To clarify my life ... to make sense of things ... to straighten my path occasionally when I need to get something done.

Yet, I would hate to be in a job without purpose, too. I have to have purpose in what I'm doing ... purpose that reaches out and touches another's life.

Lord, wrap this beautiful woman in Your arms. You, too, are a God of order and precision, and this time in her life distinctly fits into Your order and precision. Enable her to relax into Your arms as she walks through these seemingly endless and pointless days ... enable her to believe and know that, to You, they are Master Planned! I love You, Ame

ps - wish we were neighbors!!!

Tammy said...

My prayers are with you...I know what you mean...though I don't mind the adventure of a Sunday drive, in life I'm different...I hate running aimlessly in life...I need a purpose's to hoping God reveals Himself to you soon and gives you christian friends, a church, a purpose and all that you need. Remember...God takes care of the birds of the air and the lillies of the field...He'll take care of you too. Maybe God is just wanting you to wait and trust and rely on Him (I know that can be trying and at times aggravating...)may God give you peace soon ;-) You're in my prayers.

Bar Bar A said...

Sounds like your life has taken you on a Sunday drive! I understand how frustrating that can be, but sometimes its ok to just coast along for a little while taking in the view ON THE WAY to the destination.

One thing I know for sure - you do make a difference in many lives, including mine.

Gina said...

Dear Cheryl,

I'm just like you in that I need to see where I'm going, need to see the path. And I'm learning so much now because with two tiny ones, all the paths and directions have been clean wiped away. Now there is nothing but chaos everywhere. This is the time though when I've learned more about the person God is helping me become, what He wants me to be and about Him than ever before.

You are in a faith-building season, a character-building and refining season. Trust, trust, trust in Him. Prove to Him you have the faith to wait on Him which He asks of you. God made those passions, that beautiful giving heart and He, more than anyone, knows how badly you want to use the gifts He's given you.

Be strong, and let your heart take courage,
all you who wait for the Lord!
—Psalm 31:24

The day will come when you will know what your purpose is. Until then, rejoice that you can have the opportunity to lean on and trust in the lover of your soul.

Anonymous said...

As I read your post I kept thinking "She should write a book!"
I have been writing for years and if anaything is challenging it is that.
You have a wisdom and insight to lead people spiritually
You yourself said that you have done everything at church so you are experienced. Find something to write about. You are intelligent and very well spoken. I think you should pray about it.

Be blessed

Mrs Zeke said...

Maybe just maybe you are where you are cause He wants to meet you there and shake some things up in you :)

We all have bends in the way we prefer things but sometimes since He knows what is coming up He needs us to switch up a bit.

Maybe not though just a thought

Be loved and hang with that

Hikingalong said...

Are you sure you aren't taking a Sunday drive in my head? I'm feeling the same way you are! It's a scary feeling of not knowing what God has ahead for you and what direction to take next. I've been dealing with exactly the same feelings and empty nest syndrome. I'm a person who likes routine and control in my life too. God has been showing me over the past 4 months that I've never really been in control of my life anyway...that He has always been in control. He's been teaching me about patience, trusting and waiting on Him. I think he's given me every verse there is in the Bible on patience over the past several months. He's really been teaching me and while I still don't know what he has in store for me....I am confident to rest in His loving arms and wait for the next step. Maybe he's working on teaching you the same thing. It's comforting to know that there are others out there going through the same things though. At least I don't feel like the lone ranger!

Tammy said...

Bless your sound like a type A personality...better get your blood pressure seriously...I know just how you feel...empty nest kind of sneeks up on ya and you don't know what to do or when to do new favorite things to do are planting my container garden for my patio and my blogging...always the!!

Bek said...

wow, what an awesome, vulnerable post. trusting the Lord with you....He must be doing something new and fun this season....i bet its really awesome....I can almost see Holy Spirit rubbing His hands together are such a prime target for a big and wonderful assignment from the Lord!

Hattigrace said...

Okay, you and I are so much alike. Empty nesting is not fun. The whole issue of redefining motherhood. It is so different when they are adults. But it will all settle in and you will find your new purposes.

Like relaxing and just being? Hard for me, too.