Wednesday, November 23, 2005

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

I met him when I was 10 years old. It was the brief but strong encounter of a child on the verge of puberty, recently gone through the trauma of her parents break up and a bit on the emotional side. He was sweet and gentle and comforted me. He was a friend during a hard time in my life. We remained friends, more acquaintances really, for the new few years, chatting now and then when we would bump into each other or perhaps I would seek him out when some uncomfortable period of adolescence arose in my life. He was an ever present comfort always standing by when I needed him but not thought of too often in between. At 15 or so I began to see him as a possible long term companion. Of course teenagers are so romantic and tend to see everything through a haze of extremes, either bliss or despair. Our relationship went accordingly, up and down with myself being very off and on again as to how involved I really wanted to be or wanted him to be. He was patient and didn't press me but never went far away, always the gentleman but making it clear that he wanted to be with me, not just when I was in the mood, but all the time. He is very persistent. By my sixteenth year we had become inseparable. I must say, it was a wonderful, exciting journey and I never wanted it to end.....never imagined that it could.

But sadly...all good things do come to an end....By now I was in my 20s, married, a young mother and our relationship just wasn't enough, wasn't fulfilling, wasn't meeting my needs. To be honest, I hated our relationship. I felt terrible about it. I was a failure. I had tried so hard to be good, to do it right, to be everything I thought he wanted me to be but to no avail. It seemed to me that he was demanding and rigid and I just wasn't cutting it, we weren't going to make it. And yet there he was, so patient, so kind,... so infuriatingly immovable. He wasn't going anywhere. If anyone was going to give up or stop trying it was going to be me.

Finally that day came...I guess I was 23 or so, I was at the end of my rope...... After thirteen years of friendship and affection and connection and trying so hard to please... and failing...I gave it up. I remember crying my eyes out and telling him that I just could not do it anymore. That I wanted out. I remember saying to him that if anything was going to change it would have to be his doing cause I wasn't able anymore, never had been really but finally had realized it. Always before when we'd had those deep dark conversations of failure and change I had gotten back up, brushed myself off and gone forth with a new determination and zeal to "do better". But not this time...I finally realized the truth.... I could never, ever, as long as I lived "do better". . I had seen myself as I truly was and it just wasn't in me. I stopped struggling, stopped fighting, stopped everything and let go.....
.....I simply walked away.....

Then a funny thing happened...I walked right into his arms :) because he is everywhere I turn and I can never get away from him. :)

From that day forward he took over everything....little by little I began to see changes, not in him...but in me! Over the next couple of years I began to see him as he really was. Gracious, accepting, merciful, strong, humble, capable, and incredibly loving...everything I was not, yet he was sharing it with me, and always always pursuing me even as he had when we first met.

The day I gave up has come to mean everything in my life....everything changed that day...it became the basis of our relationship, our entire future together....That is the day we truly became one and nothing has ever been the same.
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Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! I don't have to live up to some high standard....You actually do the living in me and You are making me into the person I always hoped to be!

"What's your story...about His Glory?
Find your place... in the history of Grace"
Matthew West

10 comments:

Kim said...

Wow Cheryl!! Thank the Lord we are free to give up. And by taking that freedom, there's more around the corner. More of Him!!

Love you sister!!

Gina said...

So moving. I loved this Cheryl. He is there when we come to the end of ourselves. Beautiful.

Goody said...

I'm in Jax Cheryl, staying with Missy during and after the conference with Gene. It was glorious to be with so many saints! They came from all over. Even Australia!
What a great testimony of the love of Jesus. He is the persuer! We just run into him and let him be in us! Thankyou for sharing!

mama bear said...

Now you're making me cry. I'm kind of going through the same thing right now. I feel frustrated and like I'll never make it to become what I should be. You've written beautifully. It's such an inspiration.

Paula said...

I LOVE this! Oh wow! So cool that you learned this at 23. I don't think I got it until I was at least 10 years older. But now, that truth is more precious to me that any other--the total unconditional love and acceptance of the Father is my rock, my foundation, what holds me together. All praise to God who never gives up on me, never stands in my face shaking a condemning finger, never turns His back in disgust.

Thank you for writing this. What a joy it has brought to my day to be reminded of my God in this way.

Jada's Gigi said...

Mama Bear,
We never can be good enough, you know. Only He ever pleases the Father-so run to Him. Its all we can do.

Paula,
thank you for stopping by...I too am very grateful that I had this experience so young. I often ask the Lord to remind me from whence I have come...to never let me forget HIS mery and grace.

Anna Mason said...

Is that your story? I think it is, but not sure. It is awesome...I read all the way through to the end....very moving. I have felt that way too..but I don't think I've quite given up the trying yet. Sorry I haven't been around in a while. Busy with holiday concerts, rehearsals, sleeping and work. Hope you had a great Thanksgiving.

Sarah said...

Praise the Lord and Amen!!!

Where can we run from His presence?
Nowhere. And whether we succeed or fail, he is everything.

XO

Bek said...

i LOVED this! a romantic tribute to Jesus. awesome.

Terry said...

dear jada gigi..i made the mistake of reading this while here i am at mom and dad goldens....they probably wonder why i am crying...usually read to them some of the sisters posts but no way would i be able to control myself reading THIS to them...i will try and read it to bernie tonight...so so touching and so so true....i would like your permission to out your story on my blog...i have post there that are under the label "testimonies"....let me know please jada gigi....i love you!...love terry