Only Southerners...

Got this via email and had to share...it made me laugh out loud! It sounds like a Foxworthy monologue...BTW..did you know that he (Foxworthy that is) has a store where you can buy???? ...ahem...Southern stuff???...LOL You'll find my ad lib in black italics...:)

_ Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them____ and I've certainly pitched my share

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
_____My Mamma sure knows

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
_____ Yep

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, ... as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
_____ My Granddaddy said directly on a regular basis


Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
I said dugsh for sugar when i was a toddler... :)
____

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
_____ Amen to that!

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they
also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____ Love me some banana puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
_____ or just past the hayrake....

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____ Ain't that the truth!...and believe me, they do all exist!

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____ Never assume anything!

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
_____ and I've used it in every way imaginable...

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line," ... we talk to everybody!
_____ I know my sister sure does...lol

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
_____ well, its true..or at least we know their mamma's, neighbor's, brother

In the South, y'all is singular, .... all y'all is plural.
_____ Y'all got that?

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____ and its not one at a time either

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____ I tole y'all red eye gravy was good!

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____ I personally have never "caught myself lookin"

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
_____ y'all all know how I feel about this subject

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" ... and go your own way.
_____ "Bless her heart" is what Southerners say just before or after they make some fun or do some gossipin or backbiting

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart! And to those of you who are still having a
hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language! And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."
sometimes it does feel like being a Southerner is like being from a foreign country...but a very nice one...:)

Have a great day!...and y'all come back now, ya hear?